last time i updated was god knows how long.

have i forgot how to write? have i forgot how to feel like i really should? i am trying to change the way i live but get stuck in the rut on the course traveled so carefully. maybe one day, i will learn. haha. learning. an experience.

change. a change of heart. change of mind. change of pace. with a change of clothes.

sitting at the head of the table; waiting for it to tip over. i want to hear the crash of the dishes on the floor. sick.. isn't it?

my heart hurts.


and i want to cry so bad.



i keep holding back because i want to leave.


i seriously.. have no place to go.

i was told i have to stay in today and wait. great times.

wish i could say everything was for the best but i would just be lying to myself here.








WHERE TO START? Maybe i should have started a couple lines ago but i have not felt like i needed to. along with the other disappointments in my life right now; i'd rather rather stay silent. i've been trying really hard lately to smile about things but then again just get yelled or asked why i am smiling. should i be so hard on myself about these things?




RAHRAOHSKDHKJSDKFJASKDFJASKDFKASDMFKASMD!!! emission of repressed anger. im exhausted. literally exhausted - mentally & physically. i went to the dr... they said i have to talk to someone. go figure. rest assure i am not going anywhere; although i wish i could be in multiple places at the same time.

well time for a break again, but i promise i will write more letters home in the future.


over and outness.

why is it that when i want to start feeling better about things.. i can't? it makes no sense to me and i keep wondering why life isnt changing for me and i just keep getting older. it sucks to know that i need to be the one to change things because things in life won't happen when i don't put my best foot forward in life. this suckssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. i hate that i when i say i want to change i can't. (doesn't this sound like a repeating verse that i keep saying over and over and over and over and over and over and out again!!!!!!)


i've tried a new job, so far, it is DAY TWO.. i was feeling quite useless and i hate that. i have been feeling really useless lately and i think that's what really gets to me. i used to have so many dreams, now they are all turning out to be nightmares. all of my steps that i make are being watched and i can't stand it. it's like i am veryyy stag. i am going to the dance ALONE. lmao i am not going to any kind of dance i am just being a writing wallflower jumping out of my words as i usually do... i can't help myself. i wish i could express my true feelings in this post, but honestly, i would feel too embarrassed.

on a good note, for the past two night i have been doing some crunches, maybe which will get me skinny again since i gained 15 pounds in one year!!! i keep saying that i am going to start riding the 7 miles on my bike to work.. but that means i would have to get up super early but i go to bed too late.. unfortunately, watching some stupid show on TV.

i wish i was able to live that dream.. acting or being a star. but whatever.. they have as many problems as anyone else does and they don't know how to get out of their skin either..

i used to be someone. i used to know who i was. i used to be secure.. and i still am. rentlessly. i feel like crying but then i would be asked on what i am crying for. should i have a real reason to cry? i have many things to cry for.. especially myself. it's a sad world but .. oops almost lost my whole POST!

why do i keep talking about myself? well.. it's one thing i know the best, but honestly, i need some new topics because i am becoming BORING. i have no interest in anything anymore, just money because i need to pay my bills and protect that good credit i got with imaginary people. one thing is.. everything gets paid, but i gotta work everyday to ensure that this will happen. i wish i had it MADE. or do i? i guess it's the hurdles in life that i keep running into and they are not getting any shorter. i keep running around this stupid track and find that there is no finish line until i die.. i know this is not the best outlook on life but i have been holding so much back that i have pent up rage building below my skin..

my skin is very deep though.. i have not even ventured there myself. it's been months since i have questioned my outer image.




can't write anymore.. interrupted by sutle conversation.


over and out.

kt.




why?????????????????????????????????

help?


i don't know what to think anymore.





well, yet again, starting a new job on monday. this should be interesting.




i am just in my own heist of a robbery of the mind. i need an overview of my plans. i have lost my self-identity and don't know how to start over.





what now?

just wondering how the stars stay so bright, twist in turn in the soft moon lite.
crashing, gashes into darkness.
deep solitude in a single wink.
it's a hard pain to swallow, the realization of epitamy..
when all is a blur, so small in such a large city.

one step, one move.. a sudden blind from behind..
skipping and dripping to just to have time pass by.
now do you say, that all is a dream..
but in wind, this is all i see.. nothing.
nothing, nothing.. no. nevermind.. NOTHING.

jump a pebble and dodging a blade of grass..
it is much more.. than this difficult task.
overseeing the hindsight, a underpredicting the future..
typical, oh yes typical.. my little messy couture.
i forgot to shave today.

simply so simple.. and hardly so hard.
striking up all my defenses, when i do not have a guard..
very unprotected, no canopy, no airplane..
unfortunately, it's sunburn.. and too dazed to get out.
drowning myself in a pitiful draught.

oh mirror oh mirror, oh wait it's only a puddle..
resting on my toes, holding up my taudry rubble.
a bag in one hand, and hat made of golden daisies on my head.
im growing deep sideways, my roots stay twisted red.
creating a vision and destroying a sound.

and though the mountains still stand, the ears are alert..
waiting for timeless amounts of time, it's only an ounce to flirt.
like all good stories, this comes to an end..
when the wolves are still crying and that lil town boy is dead..
so remember this.. and hear it clear..
always brush your teeth before bed.

GOODNIGHT!










late nite poety. late nite katence.
over out. goodnight goodnight.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO!!!!


wow. yes. finally i have decided to update. it's been a good deal of time since i have been able to write anything down. im working alot, with little composure to think for myself.

latest weird and unusual update: i'm engaged.

latest big girl update: i now have car and insurance payments.

latest little kid fear: dealing with life.


besides that, im looking for a move slash new career, or just a random point to get away from the cold and myself. been looking at places to go, places to see and experience since i've been feeling... trapped. it's a little weird not being in school. going to work everyday. going to sleep every night at given times.


latest random update: my feet are cold. (physically)

latest random update: my feet are cold. (mentally)

on another good note: nip tuck season starts.. tonight.




yeah im getting tired and my back aches from sitting all weird.




i've been playin around with the nikon d100 lately. i can't wait to get my own. i want the rebel xti.



hopefully one day i will get it.



over and out. with all my day dreams.

holy fuck. my chest is like clenching and it hurts badly.

left yet again to ponder, doubts about life and what the future might hold in store for me.  stuff's been good lately, and i don't really mind it that way, i just end up wanting more.  for love to stay constant and grow with the days, for my sleepy eyes to decide to fade into the dark with the rest of the room.  

it's kinda cute how you watch me and i get in contact with that.  how your thoughts might seem to wander my way.  i hope that you know that i love every moment of our days, and am beginning to realize true meaning of how things are supposed to work out.  it's no suprise, but of only something i've dreamt that may soon be to happen.  










altho.. sometimes, i wish you could understand babe.  

over. out. and...?

craigslist. omg.

soooo. uhhh, i have no idea when i last updated. i've been so busy. i finally finished school, at a new j-o-b, with stuff i like to do.

relationship wise: it's a very complicated situation and idk anymore. it's either, HEY! LET'S KEEP TRYING AND SEE HOW FAR WE CAN PROGRESS, or it's, HEY!!!!!! fuck it. let's give up. idk what to do. I love him but i feel that a lot of things in our relationship could be better. i guess im tryin to hold myself back from not growing up too fast because what has this relationship given me so far that i could benefit from? I mean every relationship has it's ups and downs but what can you really do about it? Shit's been pissin my off lately. Oh well.


i just cant wait to get my raise, it'll be better cause i really just need to move into my own place with a nice big comfy bed and a nice tv and lots of pillows and cushions and my own space to do whatever the fuck i wanna fuckin do.

i'm so glad no one reads my blog anymore so here goes:

there used to be countless hours when i would sit on my computer and just type away ideas and thoughts, but no life just has to be hectic and i've felt out of my element for the longest. i feel diverted in a way, sucks to be me huh? so yay.. im finally graduating thinking hey what do i have to show for it now.

i think it's raining.. i havent been outside since i went to go get my cell from my car earlier. it was nice then it got chilly. had class today, presented my portfolio, then went to the gym woohoo! and then i came home and cooked 2 cheeseburgers but unfortunately i made the apt smokey and then one them wasnt cooked enough so i took a nap cause i started getting a headache in the back my head and so like i slept/kinda nightmared so i woke up when lex and ed came home and i got up and my headache ended up being worst than before. yeah so i just mad ill. and i can let your imagination take over from there.

well im slowly typing a paper, i dont wanna sleep too much, but on the plus, everything is usually better after i sleep for a while. well my schedule is going to be changing soon trying to find myself something stable that i like.

so.. i guess back to the paper.. i just did some unnecessary research for my own good.



over and out.

unfortunately.. ive come to the ultimate conclusion that i have the worst case of senioritis EVER.. im behind on technically 4 papers for one class.. all of my other shit im slowly getting by on and to think about it.. now im also behind on two chapter outlines and some other group work bullshit. how fucked am i right now?

it's spring break and ive been doing nothing but working and hanging out with the bf and catching up with some of my friends but i have been sleeping in alot which also makes me not actually want to do anything either. what's wrong with me? i try to start my work but theres always something to distract me one way or another. like my bf has it so easy cause he just has to go to work.. and so do my friends.. but i have to do both which kind of puts me in a slight predicament cause these last two semesters ive been commuting to school. although it is good that i dont live at school anymore cause i dont party as much as i used to and that was a major problem. im a huge procrastinator and ive said it a million times over and over and over and even over again. supposedly its supposed to snow 4 to 6 inches tmmw so hopefully they close the office and maybe ill have the will to actually do some research and get shit done but for now.. no. wtf?










i like need a nap or something ... over and out out out out and over.

so it's been awhile yet again.. trying to get myself situated. i had a half and half weekend. *edited entry* i found one of my quotes today, "If you get a chance.. take it. If it changes your life.. let it. No demands. No Expectations. No regrets. *edited entry* it's better now knowing what i actually want. someone that actually knows what they want. it shouldn't be any other way. i can be bent but not broken. so fuck that!!

although my weekend was filled with excitement from *edited entry* i still have a lot of work to finish for this week for school. 3 papers, 2 presentations, 1 exam. 3 dr's appointments.

im looking really forward to the future. at least i know that things can happen just like they're supposed to. it's a good feeling to have.


OVER AND OUT!

Date:	2006-09-24 21:52
Subject:	hectic sounding of a snowglobe crashing..
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	glycerine - bush

sitting here.. back to the same route i've seen before. and then so why can't i stop? it's the hardest thing a person has to do. and everyone tries to deny the allegations as long as they can.


in a sense, a lack of words to be said or meant that can change anything. it's because i have no outlet of any source which refines my subjectivity to its own confiance. in application to hold, there is none. it can't be found. lost forever which inside her hurts. this pain has been there before and she begs for the agony not to arrise. her heart pounds rapidly and her mind, erased of it's knowing of existance. blinded by a shock to the head. but it wasn't her head.. it was reality. in a matter of few seconds, turning, and be slammed into the only destiny one could ever feel. this makes no sense now, but do not be low, wait out the clock.

and that clock..

it never stops..

ever..

i'm being serious..

ever..






...over and out.

it's so chilly outside!!!!

and it's so chilly inside my heart.


lately, i've just been chased w/ decisions to make about things and im feeling as if i dont exist in part of it... i wanna know what to feel without actually having to describe it.

my face is feeling flushed..

i got a new hair cut and a dye job... bajillian doll hairs later..

but oh well.. it looks good.

so i have a super early flight on sunday morning.. sucks cause i cant bring all my breakables on carry on anymore ... WTFFFFFFFFF damn mo-fo terrorists. RUIN IT FOR EVERYBODY!!!!

just makes me so angry.

ugh this war needs to stop and gas prices need to go down. wtf happened to peace on earth... this whole world is bullshit.


well anyways ... im so happy that i get to go see my grandma i've missed her so so so so so much .. she is the only one who gives me hope to what i can do .. i wish she lived up here w/ me cause then i could be with her and live with her cause she makes me feel special and dammit ... yeah its not fair.

i miss my dad too. he doesnt give a shit what i do just as long as i do well in school and stay out of trouble ... WHICH I AM.


so why am i not happy?

this feeling presses hard down on my chest and it clentches tightly hugging my ribs. my attitude... it ranges.. REALLY ranges ... cause i can go from like being super happy to supere angry to upset. i cant keep my mind focused on one thing. im worried all the time.. i care about what other people think... im fearful of the future...

i am fucking ... scared.

FUCKING SCARED.

day in.. day out.. day in ... my days never end..

i mean, its not like im a hermit ... it's not like i don't go out and have fun when w/ others ... its just that feeling of lonliness that just overcomes me

when i look in the mirror... i see a mess .. and its not just the room of clutter behind me .. i look in the mirror and say to myself "who will ever love me" and then i think .. i dont ever wanna be in love for the fact of falling out of love. idk seems like every guy i date were in these long-term relationships and it screwed them up in the head and then the other guys are just players to the max.. and when i find one i like ... and seems decent enough and well adjusted and well educated .. i go, and i go find something wrong w/ them... i try to correct it.. it semi-works ... but then i dont end up fulfilled.


should i give up? i wanted to give up emotions, but how can you give up emotions when it feels like youre not feeling them .. in the right context .... YEAH DUH EVERYONE HAS EMOTIONS... and most people are like.. well, you're contradicting yourself.

im fuckin screwed in the head... maybe it is true.. im a sociopath w/ no feelings. i dont wanna fly off the handle one day...

i mean.. come on... repressed emotions.. incoherant to change... no aging out of juvenile delinquency ... GREAT ... im ending up somebodys bitch in prison getting traded for the thursday night desert.


whatever...


ill be back later.. im a bit chilly sick of trying to explain myself and need to smoke a boge.




over this, out that.

feeling lost...

this sucks.


now i know i know i know i know but i dont know and yet stuck again feeling in such a way..

i better go be productive ..



packing .. going away for the last weekend down at kerr's trailer.. fun times.. fun memories ... just relaxin until a week from now when its vacation for south carolina.. for more relaxation. cant wait to go see my grandma .. im gunna bring her some pix.

well i dont feel like writing anymore cause it feels like i have nothing to write about ..


im just in that state of mind again.



over and out!

i friggin told my dad to book the flight..

and i stupidly forgot that ktu beatstock was on 8/19 so now im stuck taking my flight late that night.. so in all i miss beatstock and now i have a ticket to sell. i wanted lauren to come down with me to come explore but now i have to find someone else to bring along so i dont get lost alone. if i would have tried to change my flight it would cost more than half the ticket to do so.

GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.



work has been tiring... and i just finished the one summer class i took. so thats all in the bag for that. i still have disruptive sleep habits..


BLAHHHHHHHH THIS FRIGGIN SUCKS.

over and out.